Listening to our children opens up a world of conversations.
Field Notes are a collection of observations, reflections, and research-informed insights designed to help parents better understand a child's behaviors, interests, and development. Each one takes a common scenario, looks at it through a developmental lens, and offers practical ways the circle of adults around that child can help. Our field notes are observational only and not meant to diagnose.
The My Learning Circle Field Notes are for educational purposes only and are not intended to diagnose or assess any child. If you have persistent concerns about your child's development, learning, behavior, or well-being, please consult your pediatrician or another qualified professional.
Why do they shut down when I’m only trying to help? Am I a bad listener? Do they think I don’t care? How do I listen when I’m exhausted or the story doesn’t make sense? Is this a phase or are we losing our connection?
Active listening is more than being quiet while someone talks. It’s the practice of giving attention, checking understanding, and responding in a way that protects the relationship so the child keeps talking. Educational psychologist Jeanne Ormrod emphasizes that motivation and learning thrive in environments where children feel cared for and psychologically safe, including at home. When a child risks sharing a feeling or a failure, they’re testing whether this relationship can hold it.
Active listening is more than being quiet while someone talks. It’s the practice of giving attention, checking understanding, and responding in a way that protects the relationship so the child keeps talking. Educational psychologist Jeanne Ormrod emphasizes that motivation and learning thrive in environments where children feel cared for and psychologically safe, including at home. When a child risks sharing a feeling or a failure, they’re testing whether this relationship can hold it.
Ormrod’s work on affect (emotion) also helps here. Strong feelings like embarrassment, anger, and worry can flood a child’s thinking. If the first adult response is correction, dismissal, or a quick solution, the emotional load often goes up, not down. What looks like “drama” or “shutting down” may be a nervous system that hasn’t been met yet.
Listening well supports self-regulation, too. When an adult reflects (“You’re really frustrated about the group project”) before advising, the child gets practice naming internal states, a building block Ormrod links to learners who monitor and manage their own motivation and emotions. You’re not just being nice. You’re coaching the skill of being understood.
1. Pause the fix for two minutes. Your only job is to hear the story. Eyes, body toward them when you can. Phone down if possible.
2. Reflect before you redirect. Try: “So what I’m hearing is…” or “That sounds really disappointing.” Accuracy matters more than perfect wording, invite them to correct you.
3. Ask one open question. “What was the hardest part?” “What do you wish had happened?” Save advice until they ask, or until you check: “Do you want ideas, or do you just want me to hear this?”
4. Name the feeling without judging the child. “Mad makes sense” is different from “You’re being dramatic.” Ormrod’s framing of productive affect starts with acknowledgment, not shutdown.
5. Close with connection, not a verdict. “Thanks for telling me. I’m glad you came to me.” That single line often keeps the door open for next time.
They come back with another story. They correct your reflection instead of going silent. Conversations last a little longer. You notice fewer “never minds,” more “guess what happened,” and a calmer recovery after hard feelings. Growth also shows up in you: fewer instant lectures, more pauses. That’s part of the circle changing, not only the child.
Children are not problems to be solved; they are people to be understood. A single behavior or rant rarely tells the whole story. When we observe with curiosity and respond with attention first, we create the conditions for trust and trust is what makes later coaching land. You don’t have to get every conversation perfect. You have to stay available enough that they keep trying.
Ormrod, J. E., & Jones, B. D. (2018). Essentials of educational psychology: Big ideas to guide effective teaching (5th ed.). Pearson.
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