The Parent as Teacher. Supporting Lifelong Learning

Parenting is the hardest job anyone can ever undertake. I will debate that statement with any CEO or director anywhere. Why is it the hardest? Love. We love our children with every fiber of our being, and we want the best for them. We want them to learn from our strengths, not our weaknesses. We want them to grow up happy, successful, and to lead full lives.

I know this deeply, and I also understand loss. My youngest son Andrew, younger brother to Michael and friend to so many, passed away last April from a chronic health condition. He had become a teacher about three years earlier, and in the 27 years we were together, he taught me so much about both teaching and parenting. As my son Michael has said, losing Andrew is the worst thing that could happen. That truth makes everything about parenting feel both more precious and more fragile.

Having raised two sons of my own, I know that parents and extended families, including those who become part of our chosen families, must take the job of being the child’s first teachers very seriously. When I became a mother, I practiced what I had absorbed over the years as a teacher and by watching a close friend raise their children so beautifully. That experience deepened my understanding of how learning begins at home and shaped how I approach teaching in profound ways.

As teachers and facilitators, we must understand the rich tapestry of differences each child brings to their learning: diverse cultures, varied experiences growing up, differing economic resources and opportunities, unique living arrangements, distinct ability levels, and countless other experiences that shape who they are as learners. Recognizing and honoring this individuality is essential to effective teaching and the facilitation of learning.

All parents love their children and want what’s best for them. However, we were each raised differently, and we often use those personal experiences to guide us toward, or away from, certain practices in our own parenting. A foundational part of my philosophy is that we must give children agency while remaining the guides who model good choices, sound decision-making, accountability, and empathy. Each of these skills are on our list of social emotional skills that all human beings need.

Parenting is tough, especially when we’re tired and stretched thin, trying to accomplish our daily tasks with a smile on our face and kindness in our tone. We all need time for self-care and must condition ourselves to take deep breaths as often as possible.

Here’s the toughest part: when we’re with our children, we are their models for everything. There are key lessons we must demonstrate every day, as best we can. I believe that the following are part of what we must think about when parenting and teaching.

Emotional Intelligence and Self-Regulation

We cannot expect children to stop having tantrums, speak calmly, or face disappointments gracefully if we don’t model this ourselves. Is it easy? Absolutely not. But it’s critically important. Must you be 100% perfect every day? No! Aiming for absolute perfection would lead to burnout and health problems. Someone once told me that one of the best things I did as a mother was maintain open communication with my sons and keep the door open to talk about anything. This helped me understand how they were feeling, what they were thinking, and how to best support them. I believe that this allowed us to have strong relationships.

Kindness and Respect

We should model treating everyone with respect and compassion, helping others without seeking recognition, and being kind and thoughtful. Whatever we say and do in front of our children should be comments we would be comfortable with them repeating.

Integrity

Admitting when we’re wrong and taking responsibility for successes and failures teaches accountability. Following through on commitments models reliability, dependability, and stress management, all qualities that will serve children well, both now and in their future careers. So many times, I would come to my sons after a disagreement and tell them that I might have come to the wrong conclusion about whatever it was we were discussing. I certainly wasn’t always wrong, but sometimes I certainly was. I did model this for them so that they could do the same when they knew that they were wrong.

Two-Way Communication

Expressing our feelings and thoughts clearly, asking for support when needed, and resolving conflicts respectfully are essential skills. Children learn these through observation. Open lines of communication can solve so many disagreements. Have dinner together, without phones or screens, and talk to each other! In the conversations that we have with our children we need to be good listeners. Listening is not only for the child, but also for us too. Sometimes what is bothering them has a lot to do with the developing mind of a child. As children go through different developmental stages they are going through growing pains while they become accustomed to new tasks, new responsibilities and new decisions. Listen carefully and they will share often. And, remember a 15 year old is still your child, an adolescent, a teenager, however still young with a brain that is not yet fully developed!

Perseverance

Working through difficulties models the importance of trying and not giving up when something is hard. We want to celebrate effort and process, not just outcomes, when children are learning new skills or content. Just like us, our children cannot be expected to be perfect and they will fail, often. This is one of the very best ways to learn.

Love of Learning

Being curious about new concepts, asking questions, and engaging in conversation, debate, and discussion helps children develop perspective-taking, problem-solving abilities, and the capacity to shape their own futures. Let them witness your eagerness to be a lifelong learner, to listen to ideas and to discuss them with the family.

I want to impress on you that none of my reflections above are meant to be judgmental or presumptuous. I consider myself a master teacher and a good parent, but I would never claim to be a “parenting expert.” What I am, however, is a keen observer. Combine that with an analytical way of seeing behavior, something many people have pointed out to me over the years, and you have someone who loves exploring cause and effect. I always encouraged my teacher preparation students to think about where a problem begins. If a child is struggling with reading, let’s figure out what’s causing the struggle. The struggle usually doesn’t start right at the very moment that you are seeing it. This approach can be applied to everything.

My message is this, when you model these important behaviors for your child, the ones that exist in those spaces surrounding learning and teaching you’ll not only enjoy this experience more fully, but you’ll feel deeply rewarded by the growth you see. Learning that happens around all these important lessons is what supports the learning of reading, writing, math, science, and social studies. Children can learn the academic content they need when they are doing so in a setting that allows for expression, investigation, and collaboration. Learning is an amazing and precious part of our lives, and parents begin their child’s learning journey with them from the time that they are born.